A dark time born of secrecy

In my previous post I talked about secrecy and how it leads to a dark and dangerous place. This is a story from me experience on how you can get to that place and how easily it can over take you and you not realize it. My prayer for this post and really this blog over all is to touch peoples live and show them a real person someone you can see into and know that you are not alone in your everyday struggles. Please pray and know my heart before moving forward in this blog. The things said in this are deep in me and are things in my past that have molded me and who I am and how God will use me. Some are good, some are bad but they will all be used for the glory of our Lord in the end.

So my wife and I got married young. We were both 18. We met in high school and from day one when we started dating I told her I thought I was going to marry her, she said the same was true of her. Well being that we were starting out so serious I thought I would go ahead and get anything in my past out of the way from being brought up in the future so I told her I had done things in my past with an ex girlfriend and that none of it went as far as clothes coming off but that I had done some things, I also told her that I had looked at porn a couple times in the past but that it wasn't an addiction for me because God had delivered me from falling into that trap. She took all that very well and I asked if there was anything in her past I should know about or anything she still struggled with. She told me that she had a problem with sex chatting online when she was in her earlier teens and that she had stopped doing that and no longer had a problem with it. It was very hard for her to tell me that and she was embarrassed to tell me and I told her we all make mistakes and I had done my share so she didn't need to worry about it.

We moved on in our relationship and got married 9 days after I turned 18(she is 11 months older than I). At first things seemed to be going well with our marriage, we got along well and connected for the most part but there was something missing. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew it was there. I thought it was just all so new and that in time whatever it was would get better. A year into our marriage I could see something was very wrong as things had gotten worse with our connection. Kathy and started putting distance between us. I wasn't sure why but she had started pushing me away physically and emotionally. I kinda approached the subject with her just asking why she wasn't interested and if something was wrong and she assured me nothing was wrong and she was okay. That went on for a couple weeks or so and I started looking at porn again. I looked at it for around 2 weeks or so and God really convicted me of it and pressed me to tell my wife what was going on so one night while we were out for dinner I told her. I told her that because of the physical distance she was putting between us I started looking at things I shouldn't so I would push her and cause tension, I didn't want to stress her out. She cried a little and said she understood and asked me to not do it anymore and that she would work on the issue. Things seemed to get better for a while and then the cycle repeated itself. She would put distance and I would do things I shouldn't and tell her. The cycle only repeated itself about 3 times over a 3-4 year period. During this time is when my accident happened and *I* started putting distance between us(previous post). One day we were having a big argument and she got really really angry. I could tell though that she wasn't that angry at me. I asked her over and over what was wrong and she wouldn't tell me, I told her it would be okay and that whatever it was we could work through it. She cried and said we couldn't so I knew something was really wrong. I asked if she was cheating on me and she cried worse and said no so I knew it was something close to that. My spirit felt the need to ask if she had been chatting again so I did....to which her reply was to cry and run off. It broke my heart and hurt more than anything in my past ever hurt me. I could not understand why shy had started chatting again and what I was doing wrong, all I knew was that I was doing everything I could to try and make her happy and love me and win her over for the most part. I had slacked after my accident but didn't think it was that bad. I asked how long she had been doing this and found out she had been doing it while we were dating and took a short break until about a year after we were married and started again. So when I found out, she had been doing it steadily for an average of 3 years of our relationship and had lied to me about it. The hurt was insane. It felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed me right in the heart and turned the knife. I couldn't understand why my wife who said she loved me and would only be mine was doing this with other guys when she was pushing me away when I was trying so hard to love her and win her. It still hurts like crazy to think about and is hard to write.

I remember looking at my little girl and thinking how could I leave her? So I told Kathy I would try to stay and that if she ever did it again I would leave and it would take years to earn my trust again. I give trust easily and she knew that but once it is broken it is hard to get back. She was very accepting of this and was extremely sorry for hurting me so deeply. I thought things were finally going to change and she was going to start letting me in. Well she never chatted and let me keep her accountable but she was still pushing me away just as much as ever, not at first but after a couple months things were back to normal as far as her pushing me away. The only way we were really able to connect physically was through drinking, that would help her relax but it still left something lacking because it wasn't her being her on her own, and emotionally there was always distance. I couldn't understand why she kept pushing me away. Things would get hard and I would tell her she needed counseling and that if she didn't get it she would destroy our marriage. We had two or three of these conversations and then on the last one I told her she WAS destroying our marriage and each time she would improve for a time and then go right back after I was secure again(that is how it seemed to me. in reality she was trying but not for the right reasons and she also had some other issues she WASN'T working on. she was molested when she was 4 and had just found a couple years after we were married and was not willing to forgive the guy or move past it. She let it control her and keep her captive.). Finally about a year ago I gave up on my marriage and being happy. I knew I had to stay in it until she messed up again or I died. I couldn't leave my little girls for no reason but I was miserable I would sometimes think of suicide to get out. I was raised in a home where love and affection were always something you showed to the people you love and her not showing love in the same language as me was killing me.

I struggled for a long time in silence, my parents couldn't understand why I would go out all night and play poker or have friends over to hang out all night when I had a wife at home. What they didn't see was that I didn't feel loved, needed or wanted so I saw now reason to stay home or be in bed with my wife. They also didn't know that I longed for a wife that loved the same as I loved her and that I would want to be with even if she was sleeping. Honestly I didn't even see how miserable I was or why I was staying out so late all the time and couldn't sleep until I was so exhausted I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

Well a few months ago I started talking a girl I had met and she seemed like a strong christian girl and she was wanting some advice on a friend so I told her what I thought about the subject and thought I could maybe get some advice from her as well. So I confided in her how I felt about my marriage and how I was frustrated, I wanted a girls opinion on the situation. She seemed to understand how I felt about the situation and one thing lead to another and we started talking outside of just giving and getting advice until it turned into a full on affair(Not sex,A bit physical but not sex). I had told my wife that I wanted a divorce and that I couldn't be married to her anymore and that we would just have to figure out something to do with the kids. I told her she had pushed me away for too long and I didn't feel that she loved me and that she should have gotten counseling. She told me she would do anything to stay married to me and that I couldn't do anything to make her leave. She said she loved me unconditionally even if I didn't love her the same. That went on for about a month and a half where I was having an affair and telling her I had stopped talking to the person and she would find out otherwise. I almost got kicked out of the house a couple times and put my wife through absolute hell over and over. See all the fears and concerns she had about not being good enough, or that someone wouldn't love her through anything and be there no matter what once she told them were being confirmed. Looking back I can't imagine the pain I caused her and how much I effected her. My problem was that I couldn't get past the hurt she put me through or so I thought. I was blinded and thought this other girl was my way out and that things would work out. I had friends and family standing all around me telling me I was making foolish choices but I didn't want to listen. Finally things came to a head and my wife said I needed to chose what I was going to do and that she had had enough of these foolish games and that if I was leaving I would do so that night. Thank God two days before I had prayed that if God wanted me to work things out that He would soften my heart because it was like steel it was so hard and I honestly didn't believe I could let Him soften it. I knew my marriage was over. The very same night I prayed that, my wife and I talked for a couple hours mainly about me leaving and what that would look like and we did that for the next two days me still saying I was leaving then, a miracle happened! When she said I was leaving or staying that day God opened my eyes and showed my wife to me through His amazing eyes and reminded me how much I loved her and couldn't live without her or my kids and that I was being foolish. I told her I was so sorry for all the hurt I had put her through and that I couldn't believe I had thought about leaving her and that I needed her and wanted to be there to see her change and work on her stuff like she had finally started to do and said she would.

See when things are kept in the dark it gives satan a way to come up and hit you in areas you would never have thought possible and get you to do things you never would. I love my wife and I have always been very committed to her and family but when she kept things in the dark it gave satan a way to undermine her love for me when I found out about her secrets, and when I kept my affair in the dark it gave satan a way to come up and undermine my love for her and distort all that I knew to be true, but even more than just keeping our sin in the dark keeping the frustration in the dark, which wasn't sinful, gave satan a foothold. When I didn't find counseling or talk to someone when Kathy wouldn't listen and when she wouldn't seek counsel or listen to what I was saying about how it was hurting me satan was able to keep the obvious pain and trouble that was coming in the dark and keep our eyes on ourselves instead of Christ who would have healed us in the first place.

The price paid for this wasn't a cheap one even though things worked out with my wife and me and we are stronger and happier than when we got married. See this cost a huge amount of trust and respect from all my friends and family(maybe it will cause more with people who are just now finding out about this through my blog. I pray it doesn't and that you see me for who I really am and not who I was for a short time in my life), not only that but it cost me being able to go with my family to a church we love and being around people we have been able to connect with for the first time in a long time. Because of my stupid mistakes and not being the spiritual leader I should have been in revealing darkness in my home I took away the ability for my wife to be able to go to church with her husband for the time being. Now we have to find a new church to go to together because our current church will not allow me to come back on sundays because of the affair I had inside the church and for fear that something more will happen with the girl that also attends our church. It is a frustrating position not being able to go to a church when you are truly repentant while the other person is still fully able to attend and be apart of the fellowship and be there with her family, but I know God must have a reason. It is hard for my wife to understand because for the first time is so long she is finally at home in a church and now she doesn't feel she can rightly go because her husband is no longer welcome, so I urge you brothers and sisters to not allow yourself to fall into the same traps we fell into! If you are hurting seek out a brother or sister of the same sex who is able to give you Godly guidance! If you do not bring things before the Lord and before someone who can help keep you accountable and pray for you then you are asking for destruction and pain. Maybe you are like me and think you can calculate the risk and the solution yourself for your problem but let me assure you, if you do not have proper prayer support and spiritual backup you will be overrun. Marriage is hard enough as it is, no need to go it alone and just put more stress on yourself and your family. If you don't have anyone to talk to that you feel will understand or not judge you then feel free to contact either myself or my wonderful wife, we would love to speak with you and help pray for you and be there in a time of need that will help your marriage thrive! IT IS WORTH THE FIGHT!!! Nothing more amazing than getting your marriage under God and His protection and will!

turwaith05@aim.com


Nick
aka human like everyone else

Secrecy: Recipe for darkness and hurt

It has come to my attention that we have a big problem in society today;"personal space". I look around me and I see people hurting. I see people hurting themselves, and i see people hurting people, even Christian brothers and sisters are falling prey to this epidemic lie that satan is using. Let me be clear, there is a time and a place for a certain amount of "personal space" however in todays culture it is widely thought that space includes the things people do in their private lives they shouldn't. I mainly referring to things such as porn, watching things or going places you shouldn't, or chatting about things you shouldn't. The people that are close to me know that I am not afraid to ask hard questions, even people not so close to me I ask hard questions because I believe we should all have accountability! I know so many brothers and sisters who say they are doing ok and that they don't need accountability in theseareas but if you keep these things in the dark it gives satan a place to come up and take you places you never wanted to go. Darkness is death's and satan's fertilizer. I also see a lot of brothers and sisters with best friends and family that don't want to approach them about hard things they may be doing in their life, there have been many times I would say to someone "you should really ask how they are doing with that or if they have anything they need to talk about" to which the answer is usually along the lines of "that isn't my business" or "I don't want to, that is weird". It may be weird or uncomfortable to ask you friend or family member "hey, how are you doing with purity with your gf/bf?" or "have you been looking at porn lately?" but will it be more weird to do that or to face God or your feelings later knowing you could have helped a friend in need? Especially if they get addicted to something like porn and it destroys their life. See God puts close friends and family in your life to help keep light on areas that tend to get dark. We constantly have to shine light onto and into our lives and our hearts to expose sin and kill the bacteria that is death. I have people in my life that ask me the hard questions and in the times that they don't or haven't I have felt the darkness creeping up on me wanting to over take me, there have been times when it almost has. I got rid of the darkness by praying and telling my brothers what was going on. Usually everyone has a least one person they can approach about something in their life and they know that person is going to give them the hard answer to take care of it or to stay away from it, when we don't approach that person we stumble often. However, if we do approach that person and ask them to help us and to pray for us then light fills that area and God helps to keep sin and death away. Trust me if you allow that darkness in your life it will make you miserable and possibly make you lose everything that is dear to you.

Honestly these things people go through don't even have to be sinful at the start. Maybe the person that is close to you is having a hard time with one of their friends or family members and satan uses that to start causing them to sin. See something as simple as not being able to talk to your wife or parents can cause you to find another person where you can talk freely or feel like you can connect with that person better. The problem with this is when the person you are better able to connect with is one that helps you and causes you to sin because it is someone who is not bothered by sin or maybe lives in sin and that makes you more comfortable with sin. Even the Bible says we should surround ourselves with good council. Having friends that are not a good influence is one thing, having close friends who can influence you that are bad influence is a problem. I say that about the friends to say this. If you see someone who seems to have something going on in their life then ask about it and see if they will let you in, even if they don't at least you tried and did your part. I would challenge anyone who reads this to go after they read this and ask a close friend how they are doing and ask if there is anything they could help keep that person accountable with. Maybe you will need to ask that person straight up if they are having sex with their bf/gf, or maybe you will need to ask that person if they have or are looking at porn. They may get a little uncomfortable or sometimes defensive but it is worth the risk to ask and let them know you are the friend or family member that cares enough to ask the hard questions. No need to be harsh or pushy or judgmental over it, maybe even tell them something your are struggling with to help them be ok with talking to you but everyone needs someone to talk to.

PS If you want feel free to anonymously post something you are struggling with in the comments so I can pray for you and with you.

suicidal thoughts from a life of pain and darkness

This is a testimony on how I came to love my Lord and savior Jesus Christ.

I was raised in a Christian home from the time I was born so I have always heard about Jesus love for mankind. I was saved at the age of seven but before I was saved I was living a horrible life. I may have only been seven but I was still running away from God as fast as I could go. I would lie, and cuss at/to my parents. I would get into as much trouble as I could find. My mom used to lay away at night crying. She didn't even know if I would live to see the age of 15. I was bad enough that some of the things I did haunted me until I was around 14 or so. I had my first sexual encounter when I was 6. One of the girls I hung out with had seen too much in her home on tv and with her parents I guess and wanted to try these "fun" things that felt "good". I was only six and didn't really know what was going on but I still knew at the time that I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. This didn't really start to bother me until I got a few years older and realized what I had done. I remember that day when my mom came looking for me running and hiding just like Adam and Eve did when God came looking for them. God has always had a connection with my parents in giving them a flag when something is going on that shouldn't be.

Well when I turned seven I got saved at a Billy Graham crusade and my mom says she saw a 180 degree turn around in my attitude. I was no longer as rebellious as I once was, I listened to my parents more, respected them more, and started having a real and very deep love for the Lord. I was baptized at the age of 8 by my father, which I cherish to this day that he was the one to do that.

After I was saved I lived a good life. I was always trying to follow God no matter how hard it was or how much it hurt. I still screwed up and did plenty of things I shouldn't have but I wasn't perfect. Those around me could clearly see Jesus through me wether it be someone I knew or someone on the street. I lived this way until I was 19.

Before I get into where I started walking away from God let me lay some ground work for some later info. I got married at 18 and found out my wife was pregnant a about a year after we got married. This wound up being one of the key reason I am still alive today.

Now for the darkest time in my life. When I was 19 I had a head on collision with a semi. My cousin, a worker of mine, and I were on our way to work when my life came to screeching halt.

We were driving down a two lane road and a semi in front of me slammed on his brakes, he didn't slow down he just locked his truck up. When a semi locks his brakes up they stop really fast. I could have stopped before hitting him but there was a pickup behind me that I could see coming on pretty fast and I could see a trailer over the top of his truck so I didn't know if he wasn't paying attention or if he had too much weight to stop, all I did know is that he looked like he was going to push us into the semi. I looked to the right and a motorcycle was sitting at a stop sign, if I had gone to the right I would have slid through the grass and into the cyclist and probably killed him and gone to jail. I knew if I didn't act quickly we were going to be seriously hurt or dead. I cut over into the left lane(on coming traffic) because I though if the semi stopped that fast there must be an accident. When I cut over I saw another semi coming right for us. I punched the gas and hit the ditch. I though we were ok for a second and then realized the trucker was trying to dodge us and had started turning into the ditch as well and now couldn't stop himself. I tried pulling my cousin and worker towards me to get them away from this huge truck but it was not use. The truck hit us and pushed us back 80 feet or so. I blacked out for a split second and came to. When I came to I remember looking around for my seatbelt and calling their names and not finding my seat belt. I was thinking about all the times I have seen on tv where people cant get out of a bad situation and start praying and God helps them. I couldn't find my seat belt and started praying for Jesus to help me and help me find my seat belt. Almost as soon as I finished praying that I found my seat belt and unbuckled. I took a second to look around and call for the two riding with me and could not see or hear them so I (this is how I remember it) crawled out of the drivers window and jumped off the top of the van onto the ground and laid next to the road waiting for help. Now the person living across the street was already putting on his shoes when he heard the crash and felt his house shake. When he reached the door and opened it I was already on the top of my van(we are talking seconds after the wreck here) and I fell to the ground and when I got back up I had something in my hands like a pick or something he said. I went around to the back door and started trying to pry the door open until some people pulled me off and lay me next to the road. Later after I came to a little more I realized after seeing the truck that we hit that when I looked over and could see them it was because I was looking at the side of the truck inside my van where they once were.

I had worked with my cousin for a little over a year almost every single day except sunday. He became the only brother I never had. I was always trying to witness to him and remember thinking why did God not take me? I knew I would go to heaven when I died. I remember having the most peace I have ever felt when I though I was about to meet Jesus. I saw that truck coming and realized I was going to die and had a peace I have never ever felt before because I knew where I was about to go, so when I was alive and he was dead not believing in Christ I couldn't understand why. His wife later told me that two weeks before that he had said " I am done arguing with God and I am done arguing with Nick. They are right I am wrong and I can find anything otherwise." He lived for about 45 mins after the crash when physically he should have died as soon as it happened. God has given me a peace about my cousin being in heaven. So for a long time I thought it hadn't really hit me yet and that I knew God worked everything out for his will. Well it wasn't long before people around me noticed I wasn't the same. I used to be very happy and go lucky. Now I was angry and depressed. My family and friend would tell me that I wasn't the same and that I needed help but I wouldn't listen. I told them I was fine and that God would heal me in His time. So time went by and I got angrier and angrier, I treated my wife poorly and spoke to her in ways that should have made her cry and never want to be around me again but for some reason she stayed by my side and took it all in stride.

During this time of not realizing how angry I was I started having thoughts of suicide and how I would do it if I decided to. The only things I could think of was my mom always saying how selfish it was because it get me out but leaves all my family and friends grieving, and that I didn't want to stand before God and basically say I didn't think you could handle the pain so I did it for you. Those thoughts went through my head rather often as suicide was something I was thinking about a lot. The pain was so bad thinking what I could have done differently and how much I missed my cousin and I felt guilty because the other guy that died told me two weeks before if he died right now he knew he would go to hell, all because he got kicked out of a church for wearing blue jeans and a tee-shirt. The pain of knowing someone you were just talking to is now in hell was unbearable! I said before my cousin was the only brother I had and that is what made things so hard for me. I always wanted a brother and God let that brother be taken away. I couldn't understand why and didn't fully understand why until just the past few months(the accident was aug 2006). God showed me if we had never gotten that close then he would have never come to know the Lord. Wow! That floored me! I was so blind in the fact of what I had lost not what my cousin had gained!

I was also angry because I had to do some time in house arrest and work release, 140 hours in community service and over 3000 in fines. My cousins wife and workers gf pushed to have me locked up and wanted me locked up for life and never able to see my family again because they could never see their guys again. I felt bad for them but I also lost someone and could not have done anything to save them. The state trooper told me there wasn't anything else I could have done. I wasn't speeding, tailgating, or doing anything else that was my fault other than crossing the double yellow line which is what I did to try and save our lives in the first place. So back to my point, I was angry with God on another count because I was being punished for something I couldn't help. I kept telling myself that God must have had something for me to do and I am sure He did. I met some really cool people that just needed to hear about Christ. I don't know if they ever did anything with it but I feel I did my part to plant the seeds even though I was angry.

So fast forward 2 years after the accident and I am thinking I have done well with handling it with God ect. I was still extremely angry but could entirely see it myself. Well God broke through to me in two ways. One was when a puppy peed on me in my car and I threw him to the ground. Now I love animals and always have so this was a wake up call for me that I could do this to a puppy. I was pretty much in tear afterward and knew that doing things like that to animal could lead to doing things to people, which was even more scary because of the number two thing that showed me how angry I was. A couple nights before the puppy thing happened my wife and I got into and argument and I raised my hand like a was going to hit her, I think I may have even lightly pushed her or something. That scared me to death! I hate it when women are beaten or hit or push by guys and especially when they stay in those relationships(which I knew my wife wouldn't). God showed me in that week that I had drawn far from Him and that I needed to get back on track before I lost everything and that I was on the border of walking away from Him all together. Please understand that this was a very dark time in my life and I was severely depressed and angry. That is not who I am today. God has done so much in bringing me back to Him and showing me His love again and bringing me peace and love that passes all understanding. he showed me that through my friends and family that stuck by me through my darkest hour. My wife and baby are one of the biggest reason I am still here today and my wife is so amazing for sticking with me when any other person would have gotten out.

God is so good! He has healed me and healed my marriage and blessed me with great family and friends. He has brought us through some really hard times. Not long after my wreck my father fell off a ladder and broke his hip. Between the two our business was failing and money was quickly running out but God was faithful to bring in what we needed when we needed it. Even as bad as the wreck was seeing my father helpless from that fall was one of the worst things I have seen. He is my human strength and it killed me to see him that way. The pain ran so deep I can still feel it when I think about seeing him there and not being able to do a thing to help him with the pain.

I am here to say this. God loves you no matter what you do or where you have been. He does allow thing to happen in our live. Why? Because sin entered the world and with it came death. God doesnt cause bad things to happen. He does allow them to happen because of sin, and unless you are under the blood of Jesus Christ then his protection is not always over you. If you are saved and bad things happen God promises to use them to make you better and grow you, and be there to get you through. He will never put more on you than you can handle. The bible is very plain when it states that. Through all that happened to me I am now able to love people more deeply than I ever could have and understand people more than ever before. With all the pain and suffering and thoughts of killing myself that went through my head God was always there and never turned his back on me. I walked away and didn't always listen but He was always telling me He loved me and was there no matter what.

No matter who you are or where you are in life I pray God calls you to Him and that you answer that call. It is the most important call to ever listen for. You will find a peace and love that passes all understanding and things that you know. It will blow the roof off your world in a way that will simply amaze you. God loves you and sent Jesus to die for you.

If you have any question about me or my testimony fell free to leave a comment and ask or if you know me personally I am always open for a talk. God Bless!