I was raised in a Christian home from the time I was born so I have always heard about Jesus love for mankind. I was saved at the age of seven but before I was saved I was living a horrible life. I may have only been seven but I was still running away from God as fast as I could go. I would lie, and cuss at/to my parents. I would get into as much trouble as I could find. My mom used to lay away at night crying. She didn't even know if I would live to see the age of 15. I was bad enough that some of the things I did haunted me until I was around 14 or so. I had my first sexual encounter when I was 6. One of the girls I hung out with had seen too much in her home on tv and with her parents I guess and wanted to try these "fun" things that felt "good". I was only six and didn't really know what was going on but I still knew at the time that I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. This didn't really start to bother me until I got a few years older and realized what I had done. I remember that day when my mom came looking for me running and hiding just like Adam and Eve did when God came looking for them. God has always had a connection with my parents in giving them a flag when something is going on that shouldn't be.
Well when I turned seven I got saved at a Billy Graham crusade and my mom says she saw a 180 degree turn around in my attitude. I was no longer as rebellious as I once was, I listened to my parents more, respected them more, and started having a real and very deep love for the Lord. I was baptized at the age of 8 by my father, which I cherish to this day that he was the one to do that.
After I was saved I lived a good life. I was always trying to follow God no matter how hard it was or how much it hurt. I still screwed up and did plenty of things I shouldn't have but I wasn't perfect. Those around me could clearly see Jesus through me wether it be someone I knew or someone on the street. I lived this way until I was 19.
Before I get into where I started walking away from God let me lay some ground work for some later info. I got married at 18 and found out my wife was pregnant a about a year after we got married. This wound up being one of the key reason I am still alive today.
Now for the darkest time in my life. When I was 19 I had a head on collision with a semi. My cousin, a worker of mine, and I were on our way to work when my life came to screeching halt.
We were driving down a two lane road and a semi in front of me slammed on his brakes, he didn't slow down he just locked his truck up. When a semi locks his brakes up they stop really fast. I could have stopped before hitting him but there was a pickup behind me that I could see coming on pretty fast and I could see a trailer over the top of his truck so I didn't know if he wasn't paying attention or if he had too much weight to stop, all I did know is that he looked like he was going to push us into the semi. I looked to the right and a motorcycle was sitting at a stop sign, if I had gone to the right I would have slid through the grass and into the cyclist and probably killed him and gone to jail. I knew if I didn't act quickly we were going to be seriously hurt or dead. I cut over into the left lane(on coming traffic) because I though if the semi stopped that fast there must be an accident. When I cut over I saw another semi coming right for us. I punched the gas and hit the ditch. I though we were ok for a second and then realized the trucker was trying to dodge us and had started turning into the ditch as well and now couldn't stop himself. I tried pulling my cousin and worker towards me to get them away from this huge truck but it was not use. The truck hit us and pushed us back 80 feet or so. I blacked out for a split second and came to. When I came to I remember looking around for my seatbelt and calling their names and not finding my seat belt. I was thinking about all the times I have seen on tv where people cant get out of a bad situation and start praying and God helps them. I couldn't find my seat belt and started praying for Jesus to help me and help me find my seat belt. Almost as soon as I finished praying that I found my seat belt and unbuckled. I took a second to look around and call for the two riding with me and could not see or hear them so I (this is how I remember it) crawled out of the drivers window and jumped off the top of the van onto the ground and laid next to the road waiting for help. Now the person living across the street was already putting on his shoes when he heard the crash and felt his house shake. When he reached the door and opened it I was already on the top of my van(we are talking seconds after the wreck here) and I fell to the ground and when I got back up I had something in my hands like a pick or something he said. I went around to the back door and started trying to pry the door open until some people pulled me off and lay me next to the road. Later after I came to a little more I realized after seeing the truck that we hit that when I looked over and could see them it was because I was looking at the side of the truck inside my van where they once were.
I had worked with my cousin for a little over a year almost every single day except sunday. He became the only brother I never had. I was always trying to witness to him and remember thinking why did God not take me? I knew I would go to heaven when I died. I remember having the most peace I have ever felt when I though I was about to meet Jesus. I saw that truck coming and realized I was going to die and had a peace I have never ever felt before because I knew where I was about to go, so when I was alive and he was dead not believing in Christ I couldn't understand why. His wife later told me that two weeks before that he had said " I am done arguing with God and I am done arguing with Nick. They are right I am wrong and I can find anything otherwise." He lived for about 45 mins after the crash when physically he should have died as soon as it happened. God has given me a peace about my cousin being in heaven. So for a long time I thought it hadn't really hit me yet and that I knew God worked everything out for his will. Well it wasn't long before people around me noticed I wasn't the same. I used to be very happy and go lucky. Now I was angry and depressed. My family and friend would tell me that I wasn't the same and that I needed help but I wouldn't listen. I told them I was fine and that God would heal me in His time. So time went by and I got angrier and angrier, I treated my wife poorly and spoke to her in ways that should have made her cry and never want to be around me again but for some reason she stayed by my side and took it all in stride.
During this time of not realizing how angry I was I started having thoughts of suicide and how I would do it if I decided to. The only things I could think of was my mom always saying how selfish it was because it get me out but leaves all my family and friends grieving, and that I didn't want to stand before God and basically say I didn't think you could handle the pain so I did it for you. Those thoughts went through my head rather often as suicide was something I was thinking about a lot. The pain was so bad thinking what I could have done differently and how much I missed my cousin and I felt guilty because the other guy that died told me two weeks before if he died right now he knew he would go to hell, all because he got kicked out of a church for wearing blue jeans and a tee-shirt. The pain of knowing someone you were just talking to is now in hell was unbearable! I said before my cousin was the only brother I had and that is what made things so hard for me. I always wanted a brother and God let that brother be taken away. I couldn't understand why and didn't fully understand why until just the past few months(the accident was aug 2006). God showed me if we had never gotten that close then he would have never come to know the Lord. Wow! That floored me! I was so blind in the fact of what I had lost not what my cousin had gained!
I was also angry because I had to do some time in house arrest and work release, 140 hours in community service and over 3000 in fines. My cousins wife and workers gf pushed to have me locked up and wanted me locked up for life and never able to see my family again because they could never see their guys again. I felt bad for them but I also lost someone and could not have done anything to save them. The state trooper told me there wasn't anything else I could have done. I wasn't speeding, tailgating, or doing anything else that was my fault other than crossing the double yellow line which is what I did to try and save our lives in the first place. So back to my point, I was angry with God on another count because I was being punished for something I couldn't help. I kept telling myself that God must have had something for me to do and I am sure He did. I met some really cool people that just needed to hear about Christ. I don't know if they ever did anything with it but I feel I did my part to plant the seeds even though I was angry.
So fast forward 2 years after the accident and I am thinking I have done well with handling it with God ect. I was still extremely angry but could entirely see it myself. Well God broke through to me in two ways. One was when a puppy peed on me in my car and I threw him to the ground. Now I love animals and always have so this was a wake up call for me that I could do this to a puppy. I was pretty much in tear afterward and knew that doing things like that to animal could lead to doing things to people, which was even more scary because of the number two thing that showed me how angry I was. A couple nights before the puppy thing happened my wife and I got into and argument and I raised my hand like a was going to hit her, I think I may have even lightly pushed her or something. That scared me to death! I hate it when women are beaten or hit or push by guys and especially when they stay in those relationships(which I knew my wife wouldn't). God showed me in that week that I had drawn far from Him and that I needed to get back on track before I lost everything and that I was on the border of walking away from Him all together. Please understand that this was a very dark time in my life and I was severely depressed and angry. That is not who I am today. God has done so much in bringing me back to Him and showing me His love again and bringing me peace and love that passes all understanding. he showed me that through my friends and family that stuck by me through my darkest hour. My wife and baby are one of the biggest reason I am still here today and my wife is so amazing for sticking with me when any other person would have gotten out.
God is so good! He has healed me and healed my marriage and blessed me with great family and friends. He has brought us through some really hard times. Not long after my wreck my father fell off a ladder and broke his hip. Between the two our business was failing and money was quickly running out but God was faithful to bring in what we needed when we needed it. Even as bad as the wreck was seeing my father helpless from that fall was one of the worst things I have seen. He is my human strength and it killed me to see him that way. The pain ran so deep I can still feel it when I think about seeing him there and not being able to do a thing to help him with the pain.
I am here to say this. God loves you no matter what you do or where you have been. He does allow thing to happen in our live. Why? Because sin entered the world and with it came death. God doesnt cause bad things to happen. He does allow them to happen because of sin, and unless you are under the blood of Jesus Christ then his protection is not always over you. If you are saved and bad things happen God promises to use them to make you better and grow you, and be there to get you through. He will never put more on you than you can handle. The bible is very plain when it states that. Through all that happened to me I am now able to love people more deeply than I ever could have and understand people more than ever before. With all the pain and suffering and thoughts of killing myself that went through my head God was always there and never turned his back on me. I walked away and didn't always listen but He was always telling me He loved me and was there no matter what.
No matter who you are or where you are in life I pray God calls you to Him and that you answer that call. It is the most important call to ever listen for. You will find a peace and love that passes all understanding and things that you know. It will blow the roof off your world in a way that will simply amaze you. God loves you and sent Jesus to die for you.
If you have any question about me or my testimony fell free to leave a comment and ask or if you know me personally I am always open for a talk. God Bless!
